WHY and HOW? A letter to my blood.

I cannot sleep because of the nightmares of what I learned. It’s as though I’m in a bad dream that I wish I could wake from, but when I wake, it’s still there. 300,000 is what separates you. The two old bloods keep tabs on me to be sure it’s not effecting anything, but they don’t know that I have to replay the news in my mind every second of every day. How is it true. When did it start. What went wrong. Why did it happen. You were supposed to be like me or maybe I was supposed to be like you. We were the good ones; came from the same blood. I’m not judging, I’m just confused, maybe betrayed, even a little lot disappointed. Was it your surroundings. Or maybe it was your belief that you had no one-naw couldn’t be that seeing as I was always there with you. I was one step behind you because of a six year separation. I wanted to be you. Live with you. You had four bloods that somehow ended with scars and I wasn’t there to ask my questions. Why did it happen. When did it happen. Where did it happen. Who did it happen with. There’s this silent death trying to consume the love and inspiration surrounding you, blood. Should I let it surround the hope or should I hope that this isn’t reality. Should I hope that I’m in the future and can go back in the past and change what should not be. Can I save my blood and brain the troubles. This blood that runs through me shares a link with others, i should have known I think. It wasn’t supposed to happen the way it did. there were offers, plenty, for you. I wake up to the nightmares of dreadful pictures and tears. I stare at this screen contemplating what to do next. I miss you. I miss them because i can’t hear them. I don’t have a link to them because the blood we shared has been cut off due to the scars and blockage that happened. WHY did it happen? HOW did it happen? There they are, the questions everyone wants to know, the questions that will tell a story that could lead to freedom or sadness. Will I get my bond back. I have to find a way. I will try to help even if you’re wrong because you’re a part of me. An outcome of your surroundings and make up. Two of the same but still so different. I will give external support because that’s all I can do. I’m not the enemy. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why it happened. I don’t know anything and it scares me. What went wrong. What caused this change. I cringed after I read the words. I want it to be false, I want it to be a mistake. I want to rewind time. I want a lot. But what i need is closure. I need to be able to sleep without waking up in the middle of night to silent tears. I need to be able to focus on school and my tests, but I can’t seem to function. My blood is broken but no one knows why or how or when it happened. No one knows what’s inside me. No one knows the struggles that I face as I walk through the crowds smiling and talking trying to push back the thoughts of my blood. Every time a little though enters my head, I cry no matter where I am. I have to run and hide before others ask questions. The pain is like vasoconstriction of the vessels to my heart.My heart is slowly dying while I wait for answers. Will I get my answers? yes. But the questions still remain of HOW, WHY, WHEN. and WHERE did it happen? Will it be the truth or just the build up of evidence that some how looks right so that becomes the truth.

Music Choices

Okay. Have you ever gotten the question of what kind of music you listen to/prefer?I have on multiple occasions. Yeah, that makes me angry. For a couple of reasons. One, the facial expressions I get when I say what I do and don’t like. Two, their stereotypical thoughts about what a black girl should like. Three, the ultimate question of “Really?” Honestly, what did I just say. lol. I’m telling you a lie or a joke for my satisfaction. I don’t have any reason to not tell you what I like. It’s my choice of music. Some music I don’t like. The end. I’m sorry confused at what people believe is there business in my music preferences. I like all music for the most part…except Hard Rap and Country. Just can’t get down with the cursing and hard twang I hear. Everything else is free game! 🙂 I’m always looking for new music suggestions!

Marathon Update: Me and My Feet a Love/Hate Story

I always say I have duck feet but I believe it’s from ballet. lol

Dances With Fat

I have duck feet.  To be more specific I have duck feet 3.0.  My maternal grandmother had duckfeet 1.0 – they are short, wide, with high arches and a narrow heel.  My mom has duckfeet 2.o, shorter, wider, higher arches, narrower heel.  My feet are womens size 5.5 EEEE with arches that you could do the limbo under, and super narrow heels.

Not only are the feet passed down, so are the jokes.  I can’t remember a trip to the specialty shoe store (that only sold ugly blocky leather shoes) where someone didn’t say “just keep the shoes and give her the boxes.”  Hilarious.

There are many things I love about my feet.  They are super strong – almost any time I get a foot massage, or a regular massage that includes my feet, the massage therapist always comments on how strong they are.  The high arches give them a…

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Last Minute Halloween Costumes

Good ideas for the college students!

Motivational speech to myself

I gotta keep going. Gotta keep going. There’s no hope without failure. You have to try in order to succeed. That won’t happen if you don’t keep going. You have to show them, you have to keep going. There’s really no failure if you keep going. There’s really no end or beginning. You can’t always get what you want handed to you. There’s no pretending in the world. Reality takes perseverance. Don’t stop, I gotta keep going. Gotta knock down the boundaries and keep going. Can’t stop going because if you do then defeat is right around the corner. There should be no defeat, no end, no failure. Just keep going. I have to keep going.

So For You.

I’ve been listening to this sad, but happy love music by Maroon 5 lately. I don’t understand how this keeps me focused on schoolwork but somehow it does. Maybe deep down I want a new relationship, but I don’t have the time or patience to indulge in that luxury. I say this because of I am focused on the next six months I have left before graduating undergrad! Besides this, I’m very blunt about my feelings and if I feel like you should know, then I will let you know. Well, most of the time. I’ve learned to hide behind my smile and deal with it later because I don’t have time for myself at the moment. It’s sad. Really sad. Maybe No,  I should take the time to self reflect. I will soon. Until then, I’ll just listen to this sad, but happy music. Such an oxymoron. I will listen to Unkiss, My heart is open, and Sugar mainly. Yeah, great music choices right?! Maroon 5 is awesome! I love their music especially the now married Adam 😦 Back to these songs. Unkiss is seriously about how the partner in the relationship should just man up and break it off from the other person since it’s not working out…that would be me-the bluntness at work. Sugar is about wanting someone new and how they can fix everything about the person. Maybe my life relates to both songs in a weird twisted way. I can use the love and sympathy of someone sweet and nice. I think I have my eye on a “red velvet” person though 😉 Someone to show me happiness and a good time. Soon will see if that happens. If not, oh well. SUUGAAAAR!  

The CBF.

Smile they say.

Are you okay, they ask.

Why? Does it seem like I’m not okay. 

Why do people always ask me to smile as if I’m ruining their day. Maybe I don’t want to smile right now. It hurts to constantly force your cheeks to smile, hence my chronic bitch face. Yep, the CBF is real. Plenty of people suffer from it, but girls are usually addressed more frequently than men in my experiences. I don’t get why people feel as though it’s a crime to have a stern expression when you’re busy. I can see if someone was staring at you with the CBF, then I would question it. Nope, never happens. Always the questioning looks and comments about my current mood. I don’t think people should assume you’re in a bad mood just because of your face, honestly. I know expressions warn those of your current mood, but it’s a 50/50 chance it’s right honestly. Maybe it’s just me, but I just smile and see if a person responds to my greetings before I jump to the conclusion that they are mad and ” I’m going to avoid them or tell them to smile more.” Anyways, it sucks to have CBF and those who constantly tell others “smile more so you won’t look so angry”…PLEASE stop it. It definitely doesn’t help the situation. 

That’s all, no it’s not.

Sincerely a CBF girl.

Technology’s help with satisfying my addiction.

 

Today’s society is surrounded by modern inventions of the past. We use these inventions to do our everyday bidding, as though we never functioned without them. This technological immersion causes many to use these electronics in order to explore their world. For some, that world encompasses their many passions. For example, music can be found and accessed from technology: TVs, cellphones, tablets, computers, etc., and this ease of access has led to my addiction of different music genres. Throughout my years of schooling, music has been my companion, counselor, and teacher. It has been available to me regardless of my location because of the technological environment. My cellphone may be used to convey a message of self-esteem or strength, while my laptop may be used to provide the company of one of my favorite singers, like Bruno Mars, which would help me complete my schoolwork. Technology helps to keep me sane while I explore my options for the next steps in my life and provides soothing music to help me relax. I pity those without such advanced technology in their lives because they are unable to explore their world as thoroughly and effectively. I say this because music is my world, playing a huge part in my decisions and introducing me to the different cultures of the world. Without technology, that culture would be largely inaccessible to me via the music I listen to and love; without music, I would not experience the contentment and love present in my world every day- since experiences that could be spread to other areas of the world through the gadgets of today are sometimes possible. These gadgets can link states with countries with a simple click of a button. From this simple action, I can talk to friends and see where they are vacationing or living at that particular time. I may see the sands of Cancun or the blue waters of the Bahamas within moments. I’m able to satisfy my music addiction all while simultaneously exploring the world through pictures, websites, and videos. Most of the travelling I have done has been within the contiguous United States, but I hope to board a plane one day, heading east to a country I have explored only online-experiencing yet another invention used by today’s society to travel and explore.  Until that day comes, I will continue to use technology to discover new music or places, stimulating my eyes and imagination if nothing else. This world of ubiquitous technology offers me the chance to learn new dances or even a new recipe from an exotic locale that would be otherwise inaccessible. This level of accessibility to various novelties, such as dances, recipes, art, or music, would not be possible without the involvement of technology in today’s world; it allows the less fortunate to be a little more fortunate. For this reason, I am thankful to technology and its various inventors for satisfying my cravings and allowing me to explore my world-a world of music, culture, and diversity.